ruevealing | folkmore inbox.

[95% actually.]

I can't answer if it would truly work for you, of course, but I think it might. Just having a place to write about all of the things in your life that you would want to share with him, a place for your every feeling and thought and hope and dream. It may be therapeutic.

[He hesitates again, his cheeks turning a little pink. It's silly to be embarrassed for this, he knows Rue would never tease him for it. Hard to quell that impulse feeling, though.]

...I've... been writing in a journal for a while. Or a diary? Same thing, I guess. A lot of what I write is stuff I'd probably tell sensei, if I could. I could, um. Sometimes write letters in there.

[That sweet flicker of embarrassment just has Rue reaching out to tap Casey's noise with a talon gently.]

I'm proud of you, Casey. I think that sounds like a perfect idea, since you've already been working in it, especially if it's already helping. What a wonderful idea!

[His nose wiggles at the poke.]

Okay... thank you. I'll keep trying. [His hand lifts to scratch his nose, then wipes at the remnants of grief in his eyes. Between last night and now, he's wept so much, but somehow he feels so much lighter than before.] And- I'm sorry for last night. You must have been so worried...

[So soon after Ciel's ritual and their wedding, too. It's been a chaotic week.]

[Rue is quick to shake their head. However trembling worry they might have felt, Casey was the one who suffered through all of this.]

Please don't apologize, I understand why it happened the way it did. And though I know it was sudden and it's ripped open some old wounds you've been working to heal, I hope you carry that feeling of complete love from your Leo proudly.

That alone must make all of it worth it.

I do... and it is.

[Still, he'd have liked to have done it better, for their sake. He slumps against their side. He'd technically said he'd come at breakfast but what he'd really wanted was a nice cuddle, so... this is perfect.]

I'm so glad you're here... thank you for waiting for me.

[As if Rue was ever going to deny him all of the cuddles he could possibly need.

Besides, Hob can make them breakfast and then serve them right out here in the living room, Casey doesn't have to move a muscle.]

You know that I will always wait for you, my love. The one good thing about getting to be my age is that patience comes much easier.

[He nods; even knowing Rue has so much patience and would never give up on him, he's still so incredibly grateful. He's silent for a long moment, his gaze drifting to the sword on the table. He hasn't had much time to think about it, but a sliver of an idea had begun to develop on his flight over to Rue's house, formed from a question mark he'd thought of before leaving the shrine the night before. He knows what he wants to do, now.]

Mom, um... can I ask a favour? Or- I guess- there's something I need your help with.

[There is no world in which Rue would ever deny him this, even without knowing just what they are agreeing to.]

Anything, my Casey. What is it?

I want to make memorial altars. One at the Spoon Shrine, for sensei, and one at home for everyone. I thought they could have a cloth base, with the Hamato symbol...

[He tugs at his cloak, the little pizza emblem.]

I don't know how to do it, but I want to make it myself. I- maybe it's dumb, maybe it wouldn't matter. But I wanna do it, with my own hands.

[He's not some great sewer, though. At best he knows simple mending stitches. He'll absolutely need help.]

Casey, I don't think any of that is dumb. That is a wish borne of love and I can not think of a better way to honor your family.

[Rue just knows they would all be so endlessly proud of Casey today, for the young man he is growing up to become.]

I'd be happy to show you how.

[He hadn't expected Rue to refuse, of course, but the relief in his body language when they agree is obvious. He's so grateful.]

Okay... yeah, okay. Thank you. I'll figure out what I want to do, and... when I'm ready. [He can come by the shop some time. That'll be perfect.] ...Mom, did I- were you on your, um. After-wedding party? [He forgot the word. Honeymoon?] Did I ruin it?

[Their talons brush the bangs out of his face, reassuring and gentle.]

No, Casey, you did not. Knickolas and I have just been home. You didn't interrupt a thing and you certainly ruined nothing. Don't worry yourself about that.

[He opens his mouth - almost as if to question further - then thinks twice of it and nods again. He trusts Rue, so... there's no need.]

...It's... been kind of a crazy week, huh. [It's only just hitting him now. So much happened in just a couple of days.]

[His trust in them and their words means everything.]

A crazy year, you mean.

[....

A quiet sigh.]

Yeah...

[That just sounds so much worse.]

[oh. rue most definitely misspoke. their feathery brow pinches with worry, while they give Casey a gentle, affectionate squeeze.]

Casey, darling, I didn't mean to sound so ungrateful. These last few months, though stressful, have been full of some of my fondest memories of you boys and our family. I apologize, I didn't mean to imply anything else.

[Casey's eyes widen, and hastily he shakes his head.]

No, no! You didn't say anything wrong. Nothing to apologize for. Um, I just meant.

[He fidgets, looking awkward.]

I guess I'm tired... it just hit me all at once, how much has happened. We never had this kind of, um. Self-reflection time? Back home. Though maybe I should be used to it, by now. It's been almost a year.

[No, no, no awkwardness with your mother. Come here for a soft, warm hug.]

I think that after the life you've lived, even a year might not be enough to fully be used to the change, don't you think? We've been through so much in these few short months here in Folkmore, but that doesn't mean we're always prepared for everything thrown our way. Or that we always know how to react once it's over.

It's alright if you aren't fully used to it yet. Honestly, I don't think even I am.

[At once Casey melts into the hug, quietly wallowing into their feathers as they speak, soaking in every word. He's quiet still for a little while after, thinking carefully on their words.]

I... guess that's true. There's still a lot of old habits I can't let go of. Maybe I never will.

[His mask, his gear- he doesn't feel safe, not entirely, unless he has them close by. Sometimes he can manage it without his grapple, and more often these days without his armour even under his clothes, like for parties or hangouts with Rue or date nights. But the mask, the chainstick. Always at his side. He needs it, or he can't breathe right, can't relax. Eight months can't undo a full lifetime of hypervigilance. The very basic concept of going barefoot still fills him with dread. (What if the Krang show up? What if they've spread their infection in the ground somewhere? It could be anywhere. On the street, in the woods, on his carpet- he can't. He can't. Socks or shoes, he needs a barrier.)

His fingers curl in Rue's feathers. He's not used to it, and... that's okay.]

...I'm... being too hard on myself again, aren't I. [It's not a question. Grace. He needs to give himself some grace.] You're not there yet, either?

[And that is okay.]

I'm not. Though it is less about my life back in Faerie than my time... prior to this place.

[Is that just proof enough of how Rue still struggles to grow past their time spent at ADI? It may have been a much shorter period in their life, and certainly not as traumatizing as everything Casey has lived through, but it still remains there within them, forever lingering, that curling fear Rue can't quite ever put fully away.

They still flinch at the sound of bugs buzzing just a touch too close to their face to this day.]

We are doing our best to grow past the things that have scarred us, but there's nothing wrong with it taking time, or needing to take up space processing what you've been through. Some habits might stay with us forever, and there's nothing wrong with that. We're giving ourselves grace, remember, even when we might feel we should be over things by now.

[He nods slowly. It makes sense, and it's admittedly (though somewhat guiltily) reassuring to know Rue feels the same way.]

It hasn't even been a whole year yet. For either of us.

[Despite everything that's happened here, those darker days still feel too close. He thinks too often of waking up to the sound of distant explosions or alarms ringing, checking the daily reports of casualties, injuries, ration levels, Krang movements. Tactical meetings, scout missions. No lazy mornings of boyfriend cuddling, full and hearty breakfasts, school days and motherly sleepovers. Rue would have been in hiding, stuck in ADI's facilities or forced to wear a disguise to hide in the human world, facing the awful things that happened there.]

I... wish it didn't take so long. But it does, so... we'll take our time. [He shifts in their grasp, turning enough to find their paw and hold it.] I'll keep working through it, with you.

[With them, alongside them. They're stronger together.]

I know I must wear out the words for how much I say then, but Casey -

[His hand finds their paw and there is no scenario in which Rue doesn't curl their talons lovingly right back around him.]

I'm proud of you. Facing what you've faced isn't easy, but acknowledging that recovery takes time, that it's alright if we are not perfectly okay every single moment of every single day, that's very courageous. You're giving yourself grace and that makes me so very happy.

[For Rue, he musters a smile.]

I'm proud of you, too. Even with everything you have to deal with, everything you're carrying, you do so much to support all of us. I'm sure you'd say it's something like a mother's job, but that's still worth celebrating. Not all of us are used to having encouragement like that. Thank you…

[Look, he's getting a look at that, but Casey is 100% correct.]

Well you have it from me now, from here to forever. Always.

[Rue will be there for every single celebration and every single hurt in Casey's life from here on out, there is no in-between.]

Come here, you must be so exhausted from everything. Do you want to rest in my wings for a bit, Casey? We can put on some nature videos and just relax together.

(no subject)

apuckalypse - 2024-06-25 01:35 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

ruevealing - 2024-06-25 02:07 (UTC) - Expand