[He's quick to nod, not wanting to leave them hanging, holding still as they examine him. He is fine, besides looking as if he's lacking sleep or a shower.]
I'm fine! It was only for a few minutes. He... [Casey hesitates, then, fingers curling in the fabric of the cloak, taking a shuddering breath.] He's gone, now.
[From Casey's body, but also... from this world. It's a painfully bittersweet feeling; he'd had no desire to hold on to the soul that had reached out to him, needing his body to be his own. To have something else inside him, communicating with him and possibly controlling him, has been a fear of his since early childhood. But it was sensei, and the last time they'd likely ever cross paths. He was so hard to let go of.]
[Rue searches his face, looking for something they aren't even entirely aware of, but when they seem satisfied enough that their son isn't falling to pieces in front of them, they tug their boy right back into their wings and squeeze him tight.]
[He's quiet for a long moment, sinking into the soft, feathery embrace as he debates where to even begin to describe what happened, what he's feeling. After the moment passes, he shifts and presses his fingers gently into their feathers, smoothing down the fluffed up and messy sections down to give his hands something to do and attempting to be helpful. They're all puffed up and frazzled thanks to him after all, the least he can do is help them clean up.]
You remember... those letters you said I should write? To sensei and the others... I didn't finish them, but I took sensei's letter with me. [He can still feel the crumpled paper tucked into his robe, close to his heart.] I got to read it to him. I told him what I'd been feeling... about my life here, about you and Hunter, and the family we've all made together here. About Leo. He was... he was happy for me. He was proud. This really is what he'd wanted for me.
[Not just for him to go back and save the world, but to live in it. To live. He'd known, but to have it confirmed makes a lot of what he'd gone through sink in stronger than before.]
[Nonsense, Casey owes them nothing. But if the feeling of his hands through their feathers soothes him, Rue will let ruffle their own a million times over to allow him to smooth them back down again and again.
Anything for him.]
Oh Casey... [To be honest, Rue is unsurprised with the outcome. They knew that if Leo's love was true - and of course it was - that he would be nothing but joyful to hear his son was thriving in this world, after the second chance he'd been given. But how healing it must be for Casey to hear it from the man himself, to know that this was exactly what his sensei wanted for him, that finding happiness and purpose outside of that apocalypse was the very best thing for him.]
How did it make you feel to hear all of that? To be able to share your letter?
[It is soothing, he'd admit that if asked. It reminds him of much earlier days, during their moult, when so many of his truths were still secrets, when he could still bury it deep and pretend everything was okay. It helps him remember how far they've come since, and how impossible it feels now to hide or fake it the way he used to. He can share this. He doesn't need stitch himself back together for the war, for the family, for convenience. He can feel this, all of it.
He takes a deep breath.]
I feel... better, but worse, too. It's weird. It hurts. I could feel him... his reaction to it all... I know it's everything he wanted for me. He was... happy.
[He pauses, then, briefly, and one hand shifts to clasp over his chest. His heart is beating so fast. Why? They're just talking. It all happened last night, it's over now. He's fine. He's fine.]
...He had to leave again. I knew- I knew he was going to. It's good that I... got to say goodbye. [He shudders, eyes clenching.] I said goodbye, and... he's gone...
[The parting this time was better. It was so, so much better. The trauma of being tossed alone through a portal, watching him disappear in a blaze of deadly energy, now has a layer of softness and love blanketing the pain, the feeling of ghostly arms around him and the sensation of good and happy and pride. Sensei was proud of him. Sensei loved him. Sensei accepted him, all of him, the changes and the growth and all the ways he's gone soft. The loss had been so kind, compared to that day.
[It's about what Rue expected Casey to be feeling right now, but they can't help the small pride that swells up within them that he can name so many of his current emotions outright. As overwhelming as this all may feel, he is not drowning too far deep into his feelings that he can't recognize one from the other.
That is so very important.]
But you got to say goodbye.
[Gently, always, Rue's paw presses over Casey's hand against his chest, holding it to his heart.
To have a new goodbye with Leo, something still sad, yes, but warm and full of reminders of love, instead of the original goodbye he had to carry around for so long. This one will help to replace the old, so that Casey's final reminder of his sensei will be of how happy the turtle was that he had found so much shining happiness in this new life.]
To have that chance after all of this time, I can't imagine how that might have felt for you.
[He did. However he feels about all of it, none of it could override the fact that he was given such a gift.]
I'm happy. I-I'm upset. I feel so much better but I'm also kinda drowning in it. I... never knew what this felt like.
[He never knew how empowering it would be just to do something as simple as saying goodbye. It was never really possible- deaths happened so abruptly, casualties coming in on the daily. One day someone would be there, the next they'd be gone. It was so common to check for names on the update reports or memorial wall, rather than getting to quietly share final moments with a loved one as they passed. He thinks of Mayhem, how the little yokai beast had been the first Casey had ever seen die of something as ordinary as old age. Peaceful deaths just... didn't happen.
[So happy, so upset, drowning in the pure rush of his emotions - Rue tugs Casey tighter, pressing their feathery cheek into his hair, pulling him against their fluttering heartbeat.
No, of course this isn't how it is supposed to be. Casey should never have lost his family in the first place, never have had to make the journey alone without them, to leave behind the only world he ever knew in search of a life he wasn't ready to live. But Rue has long learned that in their eyes, nothing is fair in regards to their children. All of them have suffered so deeply, so hurt by the world and by the adults in their lives, at least for Casey, he's able to get the closure he was always denied, even if it doesn't fill the holes they left in their absence within him.]
How it's supposed to be, my darling? You mean how you are meant to feel right now? Because, Casey, my love, you are doing the very best you can for the very enormous thing you've just experienced. I hope you hear me when I say how very proud I am of you.
[Casey sniffs and presses close, unresistant to their embrace, and for a little while he simply listens to the thud of their heart at his ear, feels their gentle touch and stroking claws. He's doing his best? They're proud of him? It's what sensei had felt, too. It's what both of his parents want for him, that he live healthy and happy and just do the best he can. There were so many years where it felt like his best wasn't good enough, that if only he could do more, more, more, the people around him wouldn't end up dying. The clueless, desperately hopeful ideals of a child. There's so little he could have done to save those lives. The mindscape trial proved that, didn't it? But still, he longed for it more times than he could count.
He doesn't have to wish for that every day anymore. His best is just fine, to those he loves. All of his family, to Rue... sensei, too.
...Oh. That's right.]
I- I asked him. If it was okay if... he's my dad.
[Judging by the shy, flustered smile crossing his lips, it's easy to guess what Master Leonardo's answer was. And yes, they already believed what he might say, but it hits different, knowing for sure.]
[There is just no hiding how that conversation must have gone, their son an open book with that soft, shy smile. Even now, after all of this time, Leo didn't let their boy down. He made absolutely certain that Casey knew just how much he was loved and cared for.
This time when Rue wraps him up in their wings, they lift Casey up into their arms properly, a happy trill at their beak as they squeeze him completely.]
I will not say I told you so - [even if they practically just did] - but Casey, I am so happy to hear that. How did that feel to finally hear?
It... it felt amazing! [The shy smile transforms into a far brighter one, beaming excitedly, slightly giddy at the memory.] I felt it... it was... it was overwhelming. This rush of love all through my body... it's like nothing I'd ever felt before. Like- I could feel mine, but also his- and it was so...!
[He gesticulates helplessly. He doesn't have the words! It was just, so much! So very much!]
[No one deserves this more than Casey. Not a single person.]
You could feel that love rushing within you? Oh darling, how wondrous! To have that moment with your father, I can't imagine how much that meant to you. I have no doubt you will carry that moment along for the rest of your life.
[Eagerly Casey nods, opening his mouth to say more, shutting it again as he struggles with the words. Finally he leans in and buries his face against them, muffled by feathers.]
I'll never forget. I felt so warm... sensei... Dad... he loved me so much!
[And he feels loved, always. By Rue, by Hunter, by the rest of their family. It's always so wonderful. But to feel it firsthand is so very intense.]
Loves... [He presses a hand tightly against his chest, smile broadening.] That's right. Even though he'd already passed, he loved me. Love can keep existing, after death... he still loves me.
[As distressed and conflicted as he in part feels about what happened, having to let go of him once more, this all feels incredibly warm, a soothing, fluffy feeling that he hopes he never loses.]
Love like that never goes away, as long as it has someone to live within.
[Which, by Rue's estimation, means that Casey is made up of at least 90% love.]
You know, darling, even though you have had your chance to share so many of the feelings you've been keeping inside of you, I think continuing to write to your father would be a wonderful exercise. Just a chance to write to him exactly how you write with me, to tell him about your every day life and all of the happiness you find within it.
[He's heard this before- it reminds him of a conversation he had once with Peter. He's not surprised that Rue shares that sentiment. Love never vanishes. Love is forever. Love is inside, always. It's a beautiful thought, daunting and wonderful.
He considers their suggestion, pursing his lips thoughtfully.]
You think it'll help? Even if I can never send the letters anywhere?
I can't answer if it would truly work for you, of course, but I think it might. Just having a place to write about all of the things in your life that you would want to share with him, a place for your every feeling and thought and hope and dream. It may be therapeutic.
[He hesitates again, his cheeks turning a little pink. It's silly to be embarrassed for this, he knows Rue would never tease him for it. Hard to quell that impulse feeling, though.]
...I've... been writing in a journal for a while. Or a diary? Same thing, I guess. A lot of what I write is stuff I'd probably tell sensei, if I could. I could, um. Sometimes write letters in there.
[That sweet flicker of embarrassment just has Rue reaching out to tap Casey's noise with a talon gently.]
I'm proud of you, Casey. I think that sounds like a perfect idea, since you've already been working in it, especially if it's already helping. What a wonderful idea!
Okay... thank you. I'll keep trying. [His hand lifts to scratch his nose, then wipes at the remnants of grief in his eyes. Between last night and now, he's wept so much, but somehow he feels so much lighter than before.] And- I'm sorry for last night. You must have been so worried...
[So soon after Ciel's ritual and their wedding, too. It's been a chaotic week.]
[Rue is quick to shake their head. However trembling worry they might have felt, Casey was the one who suffered through all of this.]
Please don't apologize, I understand why it happened the way it did. And though I know it was sudden and it's ripped open some old wounds you've been working to heal, I hope you carry that feeling of complete love from your Leo proudly.
[Still, he'd have liked to have done it better, for their sake. He slumps against their side. He'd technically said he'd come at breakfast but what he'd really wanted was a nice cuddle, so... this is perfect.]
I'm so glad you're here... thank you for waiting for me.
[He nods; even knowing Rue has so much patience and would never give up on him, he's still so incredibly grateful. He's silent for a long moment, his gaze drifting to the sword on the table. He hasn't had much time to think about it, but a sliver of an idea had begun to develop on his flight over to Rue's house, formed from a question mark he'd thought of before leaving the shrine the night before. He knows what he wants to do, now.]
Mom, um... can I ask a favour? Or- I guess- there's something I need your help with.
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I'm fine! It was only for a few minutes. He... [Casey hesitates, then, fingers curling in the fabric of the cloak, taking a shuddering breath.] He's gone, now.
[From Casey's body, but also... from this world. It's a painfully bittersweet feeling; he'd had no desire to hold on to the soul that had reached out to him, needing his body to be his own. To have something else inside him, communicating with him and possibly controlling him, has been a fear of his since early childhood. But it was sensei, and the last time they'd likely ever cross paths. He was so hard to let go of.]
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Tell me everything.
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You remember... those letters you said I should write? To sensei and the others... I didn't finish them, but I took sensei's letter with me. [He can still feel the crumpled paper tucked into his robe, close to his heart.] I got to read it to him. I told him what I'd been feeling... about my life here, about you and Hunter, and the family we've all made together here. About Leo. He was... he was happy for me. He was proud. This really is what he'd wanted for me.
[Not just for him to go back and save the world, but to live in it. To live. He'd known, but to have it confirmed makes a lot of what he'd gone through sink in stronger than before.]
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Anything for him.]
Oh Casey... [To be honest, Rue is unsurprised with the outcome. They knew that if Leo's love was true - and of course it was - that he would be nothing but joyful to hear his son was thriving in this world, after the second chance he'd been given. But how healing it must be for Casey to hear it from the man himself, to know that this was exactly what his sensei wanted for him, that finding happiness and purpose outside of that apocalypse was the very best thing for him.]
How did it make you feel to hear all of that? To be able to share your letter?
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He takes a deep breath.]
I feel... better, but worse, too. It's weird. It hurts. I could feel him... his reaction to it all... I know it's everything he wanted for me. He was... happy.
[He pauses, then, briefly, and one hand shifts to clasp over his chest. His heart is beating so fast. Why? They're just talking. It all happened last night, it's over now. He's fine. He's fine.]
...He had to leave again. I knew- I knew he was going to. It's good that I... got to say goodbye. [He shudders, eyes clenching.] I said goodbye, and... he's gone...
[The parting this time was better. It was so, so much better. The trauma of being tossed alone through a portal, watching him disappear in a blaze of deadly energy, now has a layer of softness and love blanketing the pain, the feeling of ghostly arms around him and the sensation of good and happy and pride. Sensei was proud of him. Sensei loved him. Sensei accepted him, all of him, the changes and the growth and all the ways he's gone soft. The loss had been so kind, compared to that day.
But it's a loss all the same.]
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That is so very important.]
But you got to say goodbye.
[Gently, always, Rue's paw presses over Casey's hand against his chest, holding it to his heart.
To have a new goodbye with Leo, something still sad, yes, but warm and full of reminders of love, instead of the original goodbye he had to carry around for so long. This one will help to replace the old, so that Casey's final reminder of his sensei will be of how happy the turtle was that he had found so much shining happiness in this new life.]
To have that chance after all of this time, I can't imagine how that might have felt for you.
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[He did. However he feels about all of it, none of it could override the fact that he was given such a gift.]
I'm happy. I-I'm upset. I feel so much better but I'm also kinda drowning in it. I... never knew what this felt like.
[He never knew how empowering it would be just to do something as simple as saying goodbye. It was never really possible- deaths happened so abruptly, casualties coming in on the daily. One day someone would be there, the next they'd be gone. It was so common to check for names on the update reports or memorial wall, rather than getting to quietly share final moments with a loved one as they passed. He thinks of Mayhem, how the little yokai beast had been the first Casey had ever seen die of something as ordinary as old age. Peaceful deaths just... didn't happen.
Hesitantly, he looks up at Rue.]
Is this... how it's supposed to be?
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No, of course this isn't how it is supposed to be. Casey should never have lost his family in the first place, never have had to make the journey alone without them, to leave behind the only world he ever knew in search of a life he wasn't ready to live. But Rue has long learned that in their eyes, nothing is fair in regards to their children. All of them have suffered so deeply, so hurt by the world and by the adults in their lives, at least for Casey, he's able to get the closure he was always denied, even if it doesn't fill the holes they left in their absence within him.]
How it's supposed to be, my darling? You mean how you are meant to feel right now? Because, Casey, my love, you are doing the very best you can for the very enormous thing you've just experienced. I hope you hear me when I say how very proud I am of you.
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He doesn't have to wish for that every day anymore. His best is just fine, to those he loves. All of his family, to Rue... sensei, too.
...Oh. That's right.]
I- I asked him. If it was okay if... he's my dad.
[Judging by the shy, flustered smile crossing his lips, it's easy to guess what Master Leonardo's answer was. And yes, they already believed what he might say, but it hits different, knowing for sure.]
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This time when Rue wraps him up in their wings, they lift Casey up into their arms properly, a happy trill at their beak as they squeeze him completely.]
I will not say I told you so - [even if they practically just did] - but Casey, I am so happy to hear that. How did that feel to finally hear?
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[He gesticulates helplessly. He doesn't have the words! It was just, so much! So very much!]
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You could feel that love rushing within you? Oh darling, how wondrous! To have that moment with your father, I can't imagine how much that meant to you. I have no doubt you will carry that moment along for the rest of your life.
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I'll never forget. I felt so warm... sensei... Dad... he loved me so much!
[And he feels loved, always. By Rue, by Hunter, by the rest of their family. It's always so wonderful. But to feel it firsthand is so very intense.]
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Loves. I think this experience has only proven that, don't you think? That his love continues on within you forever.
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[As distressed and conflicted as he in part feels about what happened, having to let go of him once more, this all feels incredibly warm, a soothing, fluffy feeling that he hopes he never loses.]
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[Which, by Rue's estimation, means that Casey is made up of at least 90% love.]
You know, darling, even though you have had your chance to share so many of the feelings you've been keeping inside of you, I think continuing to write to your father would be a wonderful exercise. Just a chance to write to him exactly how you write with me, to tell him about your every day life and all of the happiness you find within it.
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He considers their suggestion, pursing his lips thoughtfully.]
You think it'll help? Even if I can never send the letters anywhere?
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I can't answer if it would truly work for you, of course, but I think it might. Just having a place to write about all of the things in your life that you would want to share with him, a place for your every feeling and thought and hope and dream. It may be therapeutic.
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...I've... been writing in a journal for a while. Or a diary? Same thing, I guess. A lot of what I write is stuff I'd probably tell sensei, if I could. I could, um. Sometimes write letters in there.
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I'm proud of you, Casey. I think that sounds like a perfect idea, since you've already been working in it, especially if it's already helping. What a wonderful idea!
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Okay... thank you. I'll keep trying. [His hand lifts to scratch his nose, then wipes at the remnants of grief in his eyes. Between last night and now, he's wept so much, but somehow he feels so much lighter than before.] And- I'm sorry for last night. You must have been so worried...
[So soon after Ciel's ritual and their wedding, too. It's been a chaotic week.]
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Please don't apologize, I understand why it happened the way it did. And though I know it was sudden and it's ripped open some old wounds you've been working to heal, I hope you carry that feeling of complete love from your Leo proudly.
That alone must make all of it worth it.
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[Still, he'd have liked to have done it better, for their sake. He slumps against their side. He'd technically said he'd come at breakfast but what he'd really wanted was a nice cuddle, so... this is perfect.]
I'm so glad you're here... thank you for waiting for me.
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Besides, Hob can make them breakfast and then serve them right out here in the living room, Casey doesn't have to move a muscle.]
You know that I will always wait for you, my love. The one good thing about getting to be my age is that patience comes much easier.
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Mom, um... can I ask a favour? Or- I guess- there's something I need your help with.
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